Poem: This Prison

MK told me to write a poem since I haven't written one for her in a while. She said I could write about anything. So I did. I based it off of a little fragment of poetry I did my Senior year. Enjoy, whoever comes here!

This Prison

My hands are tied behind my back
I lay defenseless, wounded, with the lack of hope to make a wish.
My eyes blinded with the darkness of the room
I realize I am no longer in comfort
And as I lay here alert wondering how much longer until I'm fully hurt
I take in another realization
that takes seniority of all of the above,
and that is the feeling of discomfort when I'm in...like.
Or rather...when I THINK I am.
For all of this is just a metaphor for what I feel.

My hands are not tied behind my back,
rather...
it's my heart that has a lack of courage
to tell her how I feel now.
That's what puts my hands not behind my back
but in the pocket of my jacket
My eyes aren't blinded.
NO...for if they are blinded,
they are merely just in a knot winded up by jealousy
Only causing my mind to flex and cringe only for hell to see.
And the absence of solace...
The feeling of being hurt...
that's my own fault for making her
my only selfish comfort...

What do I do?
My only other option is to fix this mistake
before the option to break, put at stake, and RETAKE...
what is not mind...appears in my brain.

POW!

And just like that...
My mind has taken a 180 degree turn
and realized the lie that I've given myself
is nothing more than a sense of an insecure bluff
to try to give myself the sense of being tough.
And like any prepubescent boy my age
We all got to act tough, brave, and hella bloody shady, don't we?
Because...isn't that what pleases the ladies?

And if not, then what?
What is the way to your heart?
In you what intent is hidden?
Do you have any for us?
For me? For you? For Jason the football jock who's seen always wearing that really gay burger king crown?
What...
What incision must I make to get through to you...?
I do not know for I'm trying to remain true to myself
and I'm finding it hard when I'm somewhere forced to keep me on my guard.
Until I find a answer I shall put my heart on lockdown,
and split my heart into a thousand shards
I will scatter them across the planet
under every rock, in every tree, in every crevice
from new years to Christmas Eve
..until I understand you...
For I won't need it until then...
Nor will I use it...
No, not here, not in this imaginary prison.

Day one.

This is day one.

I've decided to take a break from Ashley and Dan; an idea that's been scouring my mind for a little bit of time now. If you don't know why, chances are I won't tell you. I think all I needed was two people to suggest I go through with the idea for me to actually do it and wouldn't you know it... it happened. I'm not sure as to how long I'll not talk to them; I'll just use whatever time it takes for me to really find myself, see what I want, and then see what they mean to me. I had a dream last night I spent 5 months away only to come back saving them from death only to die myself. I found it rather ironic lol. And sad.

I think summer is essentially a good time to do this; a good time for me to grow and figure things out. I think this gives whatever Ashley and Dan have going on to do what it does naturally too. I think when things...or rather people are left in a sort of vacuum, it lets what can happen naturally happy faster. Any interruption just tells me a natural reaction. I don't know. I haven't thought on this subject of "things happening naturally" for too long. Quite frankly, I haven't really thought well in a long time. Maybe this will get me back on that train. Along with a few other things...

I'm not quite sure if I'll say anything to either of them again. At the same time, it would be retarded if I didn't, right? -shrugs- Perhaps change is good for now. Maybe now I'll know if I can live without them in my life or not. Time will tell :) I'm hopeful though.

Hm. I should join a book club.

Something Agustin said

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:08 AM): serious betrayal lol

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:14 AM): its one thing to catch feelings for your friends girl

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:20 AM): but to act on them is so far beyond anything

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:21 AM): jsut

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:23 AM): head explosion


For some reason I can't stop thinking about how well worded that is. But at the same time...there's always a grey area huh? Blah

A step in the wrong direction

This is probably going to be hilarious considering my last post said that I was dating Ashley...but...not anymore. Lol 12 days, =/

At least it's 3x more than it was last year. Maybe next year it'll reach a month bwahaha.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this seeing as other things happened too, but I dunno. It just bothers me thinking back on it. How...poorly timed...how unchanging and unnatural it all is. Or rather was. Perhaps I fucked up a chance by asking her out this second time at a horrible time, but Idk. I was stupid for asking when I did...Damn my insecurity! Among other things. I don't actually want to write much on this so I'll just say that going back to the friend level will take mucho work and mucho time. Of course there's the debate as to whether or not it should "go" anywhere except a natural path leading to an unpredictable end. Many thoughts I have. Too pathetic to post here though lol. Yeah I'm being vague but I definately woudl rather haev no one understand me on this subject. :]

Idk what else to type. Lots of people have been busy including me trying to cram time with people I haven't met in months. Dan's been hanging out with Ashley so I'm not exactly sure as to when I'll hang out with the guy. Same goes for Ashley. I think. But then again I could use some time away from her lol. Kinda. Again with what goes naturally thing. I think too much. Wah. Hmm. Agustins been...actualy Idk what the heck he's been up to lol. Interesante.

I've decided to cast Derick away in a closet until he is needed one day once more! What occasion this will be I do not exactly know... ;P

Mmm. I need to work on school and penspinning...and fun in general. Effit. if Fun is my priority then Derick shall live! Lawl How horrid I am to be so back and fourth. xD Aiya.

Well Let'ssee where it takes me shall we?

Man do I need to log in here more...

So like, it's 11th of May! Man I totally need to get on here more. I dunno why. A lot of stuff has happened. =/

Hmm. Uhh, Ashley's my girlfriend for one thing. I asked her out on cinco de mayo! :D
lol how weird huh? My reasoning behind it was...idk weird. It was the 5th month of the year on the 5th day. Also, the 5th week in a row where I'd have seen her everyday. Plus it's cindo de mayo! YEAH!

lol So technically, this will be the third time I've dated her. The first time for four days, the second for four hours, and this...well I'm sure as of right now it's lasted longer than four minutes.

OH. How I asked her out...lol well you should ask me if you want to know. All I can say is, SHE RUINED IT :( Dang bag! BAH! lol, I knew I should've put it somewhere else Wah.

Mm. I have a need to train again! Work on the arms, maybe the chest, probably not so much the stomach just cuz I'm that lazy xD

I have work tomrorow :(
Waaaah.
I complain so much.
But I get paid a fair amoutn so I'm happpyyyy :]

I WANT TO TAKE SUMMER CLASSES. BUT WHAT?
GAH.
DECISIONS DECISIONS.

anyways, until next time.

CHAO