UKELELE

IT CAME TODAY. I WILL LEARN. BYE.

PS: So much to learrrrrn! Music notes and playing styles and how to play the chords. AAAAH. Fun though :)

Tumblr

I started a tumblr account today. Forunately all my main thinking and main blogs will go here! And all my picked out stuff from here will go on tumblr so really...it's getting my leftovers haha. HORRIBLE. Anyways I've been worknig on a poem based on my thoughts over my recent little mini spat-out with Ashley. It's really not aimed towards her but really the words and feelings having to do with words. :] enjoy soon when I post probably tomorrow! Ish.

Untitled [yet. ROUGH DRAFT]

Just a rough draft of a poem. Stuff I made based on a little feud thing yesterday.


I made a mistake today.
I sneezed.
I let the germs slip out the tip of my-
No.
I let LOOSE a monster within that I've been trying so hard to hold in.

A small little monster born in the depths of my mind out of reflex,
Somewhere between the frontal lobes and the cerebral cortex.
A malevolent, poisonous bundle of fluctuating EMOTION-Cells;
growing into a fatal form doing harm to all that come in contact.
With a bulk supply of resistance-enforced genes it leans towards being in the 99th percentile of most deadly viruses;

After being born it moves quickly about
trying to find a way out
It scorches throughout my body starting from the blood in my cheeks
down to my central arteries heating up my whole body.
But this is not the worst symptom; No far from it.
See
It rustles on the HATE-Cells that have nestled in my muscles
finding nutrients helping it's ability to reproduce
It's most fatal once it reaches my vocal chords
growing into a horde
for at first it is held back by the rough antibodies in my body
called RESTRAINT.
But if they are not strong enough; not made out of the right stuff
then the monster bursts out my mouth like a golden snitch straight out of a Harry Potter novel and harming the first person it comes in contact with pleasingly
AND I WISH...I paid more attention to my mother who always said to cover my mouth when sneezing.
And as it enters another host it does what any other virus does:
Transcribes and transcodes boring out more of itself out of your frontal lobe.
The process starts anew; and soon you're sneezing on me as much as I am on you.

It's a disgusting exchange of hundreds of germs.
But see these germs I've been describing aren't really germs that infect but rather words that hurt.
Try to stay alert...
For in germs and in hurtful words we are never courteous.

Words I ususally held back with the bite of my tongue
Words too harsh that come straight from my mind

Tired of being pushed instead of let in.
I'm tired of pushing instead of reavealing what's within when
I know that all we are doing is wielding a power.
Perhaps it's because of the fluctuat

Grr.

Today I got into yet another mini-feud with Ashley. Oh one of our many many feuds. I can expect that I won't talk to her for a little while after today. I dunno. It may be with how this year started or it may be just because I'm tired of acting so...bitchy. I think in the past I've always been the first to say somethign to Ashley or to apologize just to end trivial affairs. I'm sick of it. Or maybe I'm sick of her. I can't say that a long break from her wouldn't be healthy. Blah. So angry. I'll talk about it sometime. Maybe. GRR.

It gets me fucking riled up though. Blah. What the heck is wrong with me? Usually I at leasat try to be understanding. Blah. -___-''

Staff kids

So today after work I went to see Jennifer, Agustin, and Julian, and JUSTIN! at Lloyd center today. I half-hated it and half-liked it. I hated it because Lloyd center is SO FAR AWAY AND I HATE THE PARKING AND ROAR! This actually ties in with my last blog since it was on these horrible rides to and from that I talked to Phu haha.

Anyways It's come to my attention that my generation of staff kids appear to be the last generation of staff kids. Lawl. We're only the second generation. According to Jennifer the (what I consider at least) 4th generation shouldn't really call each other "fam" because they're all so fake to each other. Which is ridiculous. My generation seems to be more bonded just because we just all grew up with each other. It's kinda sad considering that only means staff kids die off at 2nd generation. My sister and her group I consider to be 3rd generation but they've always kinda been a side group of my generation it seems. And if we die they die. I've kinda hated the idea of adding peopel to our staff kids group. Not that we're major elitists or anything but it's just that the bond is there for a reason. Prevents trivial drama. When Kim came in I remember so much crap starting which I thought in general was stupid. I mean me and Phu have fought in the past but usually it goes away super quckly. With Kim it was like weeks of grudges and rumors and whispers. It was just...stupid. With everyone we've always been direct with each other. If I wanted to ask Stephen something I'd just ask him. I wouldn't go around sneaking around.

The 2nd generation of staff kids I consider to be the following people:
Julian Phan
Stephen Phan
Alan Phan
Phu/Linda Nguyen
Lisa Tran
Daniel Nguyen
**Michelle Nguyen (young but she's been in it since the beginning)
**Jennifer Ha (Also young; hasn't been in since the beginning BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN)
Catalina Vu
*Vivi Vu (Good link to 3rd gen)
Me

Those with Asterisks (*) I consider to be 2nd generation by default but 3rd due to age and how they carry on to the 3rd generation. Those with (**)I think are links to 2nd,3rd, and 4th generation staff kids.

3rd generation I consider to be the following:
Thao Phan
Christine Nguyen
Vivi Vu
Michelle Nguyen
Jennifer Ha
Mary Ann
Brian
Gracie
Daniel (gracie's brother)

Half of these people will grow up to be the older of the 4th generation. I'm probably using generation wrong in this sense...lol but probably because I'm thinking of people intermingling.

By fourth generation it's just so dilluted. None of them are really sons or ddaughters of staff members. Most of them consist of friends of 3rd gen people. I mean should I consider them staff kids then? There ARE sprinkles of staff kids... =/

In a sense I think that it dies off with the 2nd generation. The third gen seems to be closely linked where if we leave they'll leave too. In the sense of how staff kids are at least. Oy. It's probably best this way though. I consider first generation to be my brother and Michal Tu and his sister and Christina. Idk who else...uhh the twin's older brother. OH Cindy. I can't remember anyone else though; too young.

I guess this makes me sad because I kinda wish I could TA or do something to help out the school. Darn work. Grr. Maybe third term I should come in and take 4day classes so I work Fridays and Saturdays and viet school on sundays! :D

Idk. All of this seems so troubling. I owe viet school a loooot! At least for helping me in meeting people. I still remember 4th grade and meeting Phu that year. And I remmeber throwing chalk at her haha. I also remember later on with the slapping incident haha. Anyways yeah. Those are my thoughts. This may just be part one... or not. TIME TO SLEEP. NIGHT. :)

PHU. AGAIN.

So I had a realization today; call it an epiphany if you will. It was a very strange thunderstruck moment when I was driving home I'll tell you what! I realized that for the first time in a long while...I genuinely miss Phu.

Before I'd say things like "OH I MISS TALKING TO PHU!" every now and then in blogs or when I talk to like Agustin but I could get by! It was easy before knowing that in a couple months or a few weeks I'd see Phu and we'd catch up! But obviously this year is a bit more...different. By different I should probably say difficult lol. ANYWAYS. Today after talking to her on the phone while driving home I realized how much I missed Phu! And Lisa too! Although it's a bit more tolerated with Lisa because I talk to her on AIM quite a bit. WIth Phu it seems to be void of any form of contact. I guess thinking over the years I feel tired of not knowing her in a different sense other than what I know now. Like...I can't imagine her with her friends or at school or as a room-mate. Like...I can't get a sense of how she is other than how I know her. That makes me...curious. I wonder if what I really miss is that sense of knowing her. Grr.

okay BREAK! I'm eating duck right now for the third day in a row. IT'S SO DELICIOUS. But oh so fatty. Like disgustingly fatty. I just barfed some out because the fat-to-meat ratio was like 100:1 :(

OKAY BREAK OUT!

Haha break out sounds like... something a 70's gang would say.

Anyways I feel a little sad that when school starts back up I most likely will not talk to Phu as much. SO SAD. Chances are we'll both be busy and I'll be dependant on her blog to see what she's up to! :/

Something I shuold note is I am actually seeing her from different perspectives. At least I'm starting to. Like I can imagine vividly how Lisa sees her as a room-mate or how a guy just meeting her could see her as attractive or how a fellow school-mate would view her. It's interesting. Maybe it's just one of the yet many signs of how much we've grown up. Oy.

Haha oy. Ron Weasley says "Oy!" :)

I guess that's all for now. Ah! I NEED TO MAKE MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION BLOG! AIYAAAA!

Good news is my ukelele is coming this week :)

Haha Phu you should feel special. This is the second blog I've done about you! Do you think I should post my super old blogs from like two years ago? xD

A little update.

So me and one of what I consider my closest friends (His names Keenan) have decided to set up a rewards system for good grades on tests. We've decided that we are only going to go to Mojo Crepes on an occasion given by an A on a test. So if we have 5 classes and there are five midterms five As will give us five chances to go to Mojo Crepes! If we get a C or below then the other must bestow a slap. I belive our chart was something like this:
C = 1 slap
D = 2 slaps
F = 4 slaps

And these can be distributed at any given time from that test until summer time. So they're pretty much similar as the rewards whereas they are:
A = One occasion to go to Mojo Crepes
B = NOTHING. STUDY MORE.

Haha. I think it's going to be lovely if say Keenan gets an A in one class and like two C's. Because then we'll go to Mojo Crepes to celebrate and then I'LL SLAP HIM. Bwahhaa TWICE. I'm pretty excited for this :) Of course I should be scared for myself also...bwhahaha

I also kinda find it sad that we're using food as an incentive for good academic behavior haha. OH! That reminds me I need to work on a goals list. Grr.

PS: YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE BUSY WHEN YOU WEREN'T PHU? :O
That's okay acutally I've done that before a BUNCH of times.

Anyways that's all.

NO IT'S NOT!

TODAY I WAS LATE IN MEETING PHU AT THE LIBRARY! I FEEL HORRRIBLLEEE. So instead I had to go with Agustin, Lisa, and Ashley. Now as of late, I don't really like being around Ashley. Well not that it's just neither Ashley nor I have made any effort to really talk to each other. I mean I've sent her texts and maybe called a couple times in the last month. Usually she replies once with a text and stops there. And I think half the times I've called (twice lol) she's only returned one call..and I think both times I called were to return her calling me...Anyways, I dunno. I never thuoght I'd be sick of her...I mean we stopped talking ever since she got a boyfriend. I dunno maybe her boyfriend got tired of hearing about her hanging out with me. It's not that we hung out actually we just sometimes got coffee during her lunch or something else pretty small. And Despite all this, I actually don't mind. I think we should've treated each other like exes a long time ago. I always thought it was weird when somethign happened between me and her and the next day it wouldn't be awkawrd. Because it SHUOLD be awkward. Having two people meet and both being awkawrd aknowledges that something happened. Not having it awkward is just...ignoring it, at least in our case.

I mean today when she told me she was going to PSU I almsot was a little happy. Then she said she wasn't sure and I was happy then too. Because for some reason I have this little tidbit that when I go to OSU Phu isn't going to have time to talk to me! :( lol. Weird fear huh? And...I used to be close with Ashley. REALLY close. Today was just a little weird going shopping and talking with her. It's like talking to an old friend who used to know you well. You count on what you remember and hope they haven't changed. Anyways. I dunno. This is how it's been between me and her. Something happens. Maybe an argument or some fallingout and we don't talk. We may message each other or maybe start a small AIM conversation but in this perido of time there's minimal contact. And then we start talking again out of nowhere. And it's good talking; we talk and laugh and it's similar to Phu and I actually. I guess though...I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being close to Ashley and then not being close. I remember she had this goal of not pushing me away this year. Hoo boy.

I think I can officially say that for the first time since I've admitted to liking her, I can say that I'm starting to get over her, and let me tell you: It's been a long time since then.

I guess now I just need some time to myself. And a booty call. But mainly the first one haha.

I do feel guilt though. On the ride to picking up Lisa I hardly talked to Ashley. But when Lisa got into the car I started talking and yammering on and on. I guess it's cause I don't know what to say to Ashley. As much as I hate to say it: At this point, she's more my ex than a best friend. Or even a close friend. Which is unfortunate because we did used to be close. Actually close. Oh memory lane. You need some governement funds to clean you up.

What's funny is today she made an old inside joke about us ...uh...ahem "baking". At first I thought it was childish to even still talk about it. But at the same time she made a pretty funny joke haha. I had to laugh! For the future though, I have to learn to keep myself in check. Because if there are chances of us hanging out for a long period of time, I have to be sure to not find the reasons for which I liked her in the first place which I've done a fair amount of times in the past. Her sense of humor I've just always loved. Bah. Curses!

Oh boy this is a long blog. Haha Phu must be so happy!

Also. Today talking to Lisa was totally a good thing. I never have in the past gotten to know her well enough to realize she has her own individual personality and interests and so on. She's quite the neat-o person :)

Ah I hope it snows tomorrow. Then I won't have to go to work :)

PHU!

Yesterday I saw Phu! And Cat! At Mary-Ann's house! It was quite interesting. I think yesterday I talked to Phu for roughly 3-4 hours. This alone was probably more than I've talked to her in the last...year! Which is ridiculous.

So some background info! Catalina is my cousin. Probably my closest cousin. Scratch that. SHE IS my closest cousin. Phu is the friend I've known the longest out of anyone else. If I remember right I've known her for about 10 years; give or take a year...or two...

In hindsight, so much has happened to the little girl with enough girl-balls to slap a cocky stupid kid. Crazily enough, even back then I knew Phu would soar right past me. The thing is though, I don't think I should have made that observation so early. I think looking back on the last 4 or 5 years of my academic career, there's been a lot of regret. A LOT. But on the other hand there's been a lot more... perspective growth than I thought I'd ever receive. ANYWAYS. I've probably been close to an academic failure. Well maybe not a FAILURE. But at least not too pretty. And I think had I put more effort back then I'd at least be on the same footing with Phu. But it's like that quote Phu sent me not too long ago: "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now." I must have said that I would "plant" a tree so many times now. Really most of it was a bunch of bullshit. By comparison, every time I said that was really just a step towards picking up a seed :P

Back to last night. Sorry for the random tangents.

We talked a lot about college. And food...BUT MAINLY ACADEMICS! Along with pooploads of jokes. It reminded me of Agustin and his visit to Lisa's on Thanksgiving.

TANGENT: Agustin went to Lisa's thanksgiving party and had this mini epiphany. He then told me the next day to start focusing on school and to get over Ashley. I called him an asshole and...I don't remember what happened after that...haha But I remember it wasn't like a huge insult or anything, just a surprise statement.

Something that I had gotten from my cousin Cat and Phu was basically that I was this guy who had a lot of potential...and at my current standpoint, I am not using any of it. At one point I was talking about a drug called hydroxyurea. And how fascinated I was with the way it's used to force viruses into basically commiting suicide. Phu gave me a face I had never seen before. It was a "I'm confused" and an "Unbelievable..." look. Phu basically couldn't believe that I was so excited and seemingly so passionate about something and yet...I'm doing nothing about this built-up excitement. That's when I thought to myself "What AM I doing?" I've basically been slacking off since...well let's say a long while. Can I pick myself up in time? I actually should start being more assertive and start donig some research on my major and really what I want to do in the future. It's a nice wake-up call, especially coming from Phu.

Even though she can be a tad crazy sometimes, her opinion does matter to me even though I tend to shrug it off. I MISS PHU! I need to see her more often; it seems like we're always laughing when we see each other. Usually we don't talk for a while and then we catch up and laugh and the process repeats. I don't think this is going to work anymore though. It's gotten to the point where we're too far away from each other. And we hardly call each other. Makes me sad to think about it...but then again I'll probaly see her a lot when I go to OSU. Just now it seems so.. I dunno the word...let's say bare bones.

It's funky; I remember when me and Phu referred to each other as best friends. I actually don't think we are. Maybe at one point we were best friends, maybe not. I mean chances are if Phu was in Portland alone and was in need of a ride I probably wouldn't be the first person she'd call. Or the second or the third. Of course that just may be out of convenience. I think I really do want to get to know Phu though. So one of my goals is to start talking to Phu more! And taking time to see her!

Ahh. So late to be planting a seed. Regret fills me. But I guess it's better late than never.

?

Man I've been tired lately. Talk about school being a major buzz-kill!
That's all for now. Haha a new post and it SUUCKSSS

Very sorry I haven't been posting.

I'm in vietnam. It's ponyo!

So much to write about.
So much to be worried about.
So much to be happy about.

Gah. :)

Pandora's Box

A day Late...

Huh...

Didn't think this would happen until later on.
At least not find someone who I'm compfy around until later on.
It's a good thing :)

oskljfwomflam;l

Lately, I've been pondering two subjects. Romantic love and Friendship. And lemme tell ya, Friendship has been harder to think about than RLove. (That's right, RLove)
Everytime I think on it, I just end up with "I haven't experienced it yet. May have come close at some point or THINK I have, but as of right now...nah."

In part, my parents are partly to blame for making me think on this (THE RLove; not the friendship). They think I'm totally in love because someone else thinks they're in love. My parents just put two and two together. Well, I'M NOT. But it's still a nice subject to jolt my brain into thinking. I've KNOWN I've never been in love. That's just [bleep]ing ridiculous. I'm 19, for goodness sakes.

Friendship, on the other hand has just like BLOOSSSHHHHHH head explosion. I feel like I only have at most, five people I can really consider friends. Of these five, I consider three people to be closest to me. And of these three, one I have a somewhat of a bias towards because...well it's like dancing over a friendship/more-than-friendship line. And dances back and fourth, on and off. Pisses mee offfff! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ROAR! Not that I'm complaining though :D

Anyways. You might be asking as to why I've been pondering these things. It's because I've forced myself into wondering what a best friend is to me. In terms of a genuine best friend, I only have one. And then I have two very close friends, if that makes sense. I guess there's been a couple people in the last few months with whom I've totally questioned my friendship with. In the end, I've come up with...contradicting thoughts. I'm basically at a dead end. I guess I need more time with these two people to really see. Eh.

Let's go back to RLove, shall we? I've always thought of my views on it to be...well, at the least I've always thought of myself as being a fairly loyal person. So when I- ya know what. Forget this subject. lol It's pretty hot and my brains slowly shutting down. I'll JUST LEAVE IT AT THIS. THIS HORRIBLE VAGUE LAME ANSWER: It takes two people to love; it only takes one to obsess. BAJOOYAH!

Mmm. Wow this blog sucks uuber balls. If I thought about my old blogs...well in comparison to this they were awesome! GAH! LAMMMEEEEE...

Hmm. I should move on to a matter that's been pressing me. It's over...something I should feel guilty about. Rather, I DO! Just... I don't feel very guilty. Maybe it's like Agustin described as him putting himself in between two Kamehamehas. Hahah.And that is what justifies my actions and how I feel about them. Haha Scotty doesn't know...how random :P Maybe it's true that things never ended between me and her. It's...just such a huge mess. All of it. Now things have calmed down and the tigers have permission to be unleashed out of their cage. I still think that although he's being a tad of a jerk; he should really self-reflect. Things could've been different. Well, they also could be worse! lol.

MMmmm. I didn't really go over anything in this blog. How uuber gay. My brain sucks for crap now. TIME TO GO INTO MEDITATION. THIS HERMIT CRAB SHALL BE A HERMIT CRAB!

A hermit crab who gets to have a LITTLE bit of fun too ;]

Forever The Sickest Kid - She's A Lady

^ This song. AWESOME!

SO. A lot has happened since I've last posted. I mean a LOT! Unfortunately,I don't want to go into detail too much.

I suppose for a few things I should feel guilty for. I kinda do. Kinda don't. The situation's foggy. Grr. Now things are like asdfjkhofnoaedngianl. I can't even describe on here. Wah.

My raw-food diet has kinda been on the fail side, but on the bright side of that fail I lost like 6 pounds. So...eh. :)

I'm GOING TO VIETNAM ON AUGUST 21st! I'm going to get souvenirs for....FOUR PEOPLE :D
I'm excited! I'm going with my brother! Bwahahah we're like packing up on our psp and music stuff to prep for the car ride. I'll probably do the notebook (write "DEAR ______") again this time too. Grr.This stinks caboodle. I come back on the 13th; a week before school starts! Ah, this year is going to be crazy. Err, this UPCOMING year.

Man, this last year has been so hectic. I've dealt with crap pretty badly. Heck, really, with everything I've just done a terrible job. I think I really have to up my ante now. Especially if I want to go to OSU :( Although right nowI can hardly consider this college life.If anything it's like highschool, but worse.

Roar.

Oh man.

Working out. Going to work. School. Personal problems. Personal Boy Projects.
Makes me very tired at the end of the day.

This hermit crab needs to find a shell to inhabit again.
Not only that but needs to talk to the only person who gets this. :D

AND YES Breathe is a neat-o song :D

I don't think I'll sleep today. Test tomorrow.


Man. I miss the old days. Kinda.
I think I'll hit the bank tomorrow haha wow I dunno if that's sad or good for me... :o

Today...

is going to be a long day.

But at least I'm getting out this week.
I feel....slumped.

The 28th

I have a few things on my mind so I'll just let them spill. Yes? YES.

-I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" today. I love that movie lol. If you haven't seen it I recommend it. LOOK UP A TRAILER RIGHT NOW! At the least I thought it was pretty lovely and pretty realistic. Ish. It's just...I dunno I liked it. I even liked the soundtrack

-I'm starting a raw foods diet. With the exception of a few vegetable soups. It's mainly just fruits and vegetables. Kinda...I dunno but the only way it'll work is to convince my parents to stop making asian food lol. My dad and bro are for it!

-I don't get you. Meeting you at first was quite pleasant but it dawned on me at some point that you were a broken person. And at hte time I wanted to get you all patched up ANY way possible. At the time I wouldn't even have minded if I got burned somehow in that process. Now... I want to say I don't give a shit. I want to say I don't care and I'm done with you for a while until I can get over this huge sack of shit that you keep giving out to people. But...I can't say that. Nor can I truly believe that is really how I want to do things. And that's because...well. Hmm. Lemme think abuot this.

*leaves to think for about 15 minutes*

I don't think I ever told you but I did and still do consider you my best friend. At the same time after recent events I don't want to talk to you. I don't even know for how long I don't want to bu I do know that this feeling contradicts the thought that I want my best friends in my life. Bah. This is pathetic.

- Oh yeah. I bought a freakin' shirt. It's awesome. I love it. It's a niceguy shirt. :)

-My lord I'm retarded.

-You know what? You effed up. I have no sympathy for you cuz you SHOULD have known what you were getting yourself into. I told you shit and you still had to go through. And now it's so fucking weird for you to feel the same way. Ugh. You are a fuckin' idiot. I'm an idiot too for posting this here. Why I can't message this to you or say it to your face I do not know. Probably because it jsut sounds so fucking mean.

-I have work tomorrow. This sucks. Goodnight.

-I miss talking to Phu -__-

My Plans.

So I've been working on a rap song in the last...24 hours. It uses Atmosphere's Yesterday beat and heck, the idea I got came from this song. I think I'm going to call it either "The Power of Tomorrow" or "The Future of Tomorrow." Personally, I think the latter sounds better and actually makes more sense with the lyrics I've written.

Exercised today. It feels gravvvyyy. I just need to go on a major no-crap diet lol. Unfortunately, much of what is bought and cooked in my house is considered crap...Wah.

AH! I said I would make a list of crap to do. I think this is all the little projects I've got planned for the summer:
[ ] Learn some computery programmey stuff. Probably just C++
(Whatever my dad can teach me in relation to hardware in pumps and lights)

[ ] Lose some a crap-load of weight.
(I dunno. 10 pounds? 20 pounds? more? Ha)

[ ] Learn more Vietnamese words & Improve grammar
(Hopefully get in about 150 words this summer)

[ ] Write and record at least two songs over the summer that will not shatter the human ear upon being heard at earshot.
(This will be OH so hard...xD)

[ ] Have a worthwhile summer.
(Technically, This should be the easiest! Unless I somehow end up doing NOTHING over the summer. Which is really so...just sooooo horrible.)

[ ] At the end of summer, resolve things and continue if not already done.
(Mhmm.)

[ ] Keep going with the poetry thing.
(I plan on getting better!)

How strange.

Ya know for some reason I thought I'd have some nervous break down last night.

Well, I did.

But not for long. Probably a good 15-20 minutes? And then...I just didn't sleep. I stayed up doing a bunch of crap that I told myself I'd do, but never did. At first it started off small, with working towards finishing the video games that I haven't beaten yet, or at least gotten farther. After that I started writing in my Book. Came up with some interesting and yet somewhat not-too-bad worded stuff. Started penspinning again. In a sense my penspinning almost represents how...good and energetic I am. I guess if I'm not penspinning you'd best be worried lol. Or ya know, I forgot to bring a pen with me at some point. Started reading books. Finished Yes Man and I'm now starting Fight Club. After that the Metal Gear Solid novel AND THEN..? Probably hamet or Gulliver's travels. Not sure yet. I've got about two weeks until school starts so I'll probably be working and doing as much crap as I can! Well, actually I ahve to manage hanging out with people somewhere into all of this. I think I should make a list of crap to do and go down the list one by one. Or if it's something long-term, I just focus on a different thing every week. Or every other week.

Probably the biggest thing of the night was working out and donig tae kwon do in the garage. I'm not sure how I got out of hand with working out or even martial arts. Now it seems like if I got into a fight I'd go down like a sack of crap...or potatoes. Whichever you prefer!

I should make a list of shit to do. When I do I'll post it here. Anyways buh bye. Dudes and dudettes.

06/12/09

So I pulled out my poetry book and started re-writing all the poems I did in pencil. Why, you ask? Because the lead is fading hardcore and soon it'll be illegible. SO! I decided to re-write everything in pen. Man, THAT takes a while. Anyways, I think this summer I'll have a lot of time to write about crap I was always "too busy" to write about. Why again, you ask? Because I know some weeks i'll be busy and other weeks, I'll just have nothing to do. SO THAT'S THAT.

Man finals was this week. Boy! Am I happy. They went rather....well I think lol. As much as I could cram and so on and so fourth I think I liked it :]

Sneaking people around...is sneaky business...especialyl when you're doing it a second time? I think it's HARDER! :o

Lately it seems like bullies are pissing me off more and more. No me gusta. I know people are stupid but some people are just REALLY fucking stupid. Sorry to not emphasize but i'm too tired. And I'm sure if I explained how some kid was picking on another kid JUST cause of his age and what happened to that bully I'm sure you wouldn't care anyway! SO. I'll leave it at that :)

And now for a strange turn of tone.

I'm finding it a lot easier to talk to Steak Sauce than I am to...hmm what name should I use...Rectal Area? Hmm...DJ? ASSHOLE!? Meh, let's go with Don Juan. It seems apparent that no matter what shit I go through with Steak Sauce I seem to always end up talking to her or eventually being okay with her. I'm not saying I'm okay with her now, but at the least I can mantain a normal conversation with her. She seemed cheery yesterday; been a while since I've seen her cheery; it's a good thing.

Don Juan, on the other hand...well, I dunno. After this recent thing, a talk with Steak Sauce, I've been questioning my so-called friendship with the guy; questioning everything he's done and everything he hasn't. The odds are not looking good. But then again, all of this is far far too soon to say or mention. I guess I'll just go through summer and see what happens. As much as I'd like everything to go back to a nice stable level, I know deep down it's not going to be for a while, and quite frankly, I prefer it. OH! Keenan says I'm too nice when I worry about Don Juan or talk about the guy. Keenan is the nicest guy I know...I think if the nicest guy you know says you're being too nice, it's kinda a hint at something. Or it's just nothing. I think I should totally rage at the guy now. I think it'd be bad if I just let it ALL OUT as rage. Trust me, the last week or two I've been waking up angry at so many things but out of all those times there's been one dude who's been in every rage and it wasn't sucha bad rage. I can only imagine now would just be...horrendous!

Haha I put a reminder in my phone though! "Fucking _______ is 18!" What a great reminder my phone's given me yesterday :] Haha kinda funny, just the other day my mom was talking to my brother asking if I'm still friends with Don Juan. Asian Moms. Ha. So observant.

My point in talking about all of this was...ever since...about a month ago (30 daysish) I had some major poop happen. And it kept piling up and up and up. It didn't really stop piling up until about two weeks ago. Even then, I still had this giant pile of bullshit waiting for me to deal with it. And... I dunno, I've been holding in my frustration since then. So the next few days I'm going to be...either full of rage, full of sadness, isolated, or all of the above. At least that's what I predict. I'm kinda in this weird calm but I can sense something huge coming....*shudders* scary.

Man lemme tell you. DON'T hold in shit for a long period of time. You just end up inconveniently pissing those around you. And tehn you feel regret later. Sucks hardcore bike balls.

Anyways. I've yet to really let myself...burst. Ugh. Horrible word choice. I guess let myself let everything out? I think I'll go do that now. Chao

Poem: This Prison

MK told me to write a poem since I haven't written one for her in a while. She said I could write about anything. So I did. I based it off of a little fragment of poetry I did my Senior year. Enjoy, whoever comes here!

This Prison

My hands are tied behind my back
I lay defenseless, wounded, with the lack of hope to make a wish.
My eyes blinded with the darkness of the room
I realize I am no longer in comfort
And as I lay here alert wondering how much longer until I'm fully hurt
I take in another realization
that takes seniority of all of the above,
and that is the feeling of discomfort when I'm in...like.
Or rather...when I THINK I am.
For all of this is just a metaphor for what I feel.

My hands are not tied behind my back,
rather...
it's my heart that has a lack of courage
to tell her how I feel now.
That's what puts my hands not behind my back
but in the pocket of my jacket
My eyes aren't blinded.
NO...for if they are blinded,
they are merely just in a knot winded up by jealousy
Only causing my mind to flex and cringe only for hell to see.
And the absence of solace...
The feeling of being hurt...
that's my own fault for making her
my only selfish comfort...

What do I do?
My only other option is to fix this mistake
before the option to break, put at stake, and RETAKE...
what is not mind...appears in my brain.

POW!

And just like that...
My mind has taken a 180 degree turn
and realized the lie that I've given myself
is nothing more than a sense of an insecure bluff
to try to give myself the sense of being tough.
And like any prepubescent boy my age
We all got to act tough, brave, and hella bloody shady, don't we?
Because...isn't that what pleases the ladies?

And if not, then what?
What is the way to your heart?
In you what intent is hidden?
Do you have any for us?
For me? For you? For Jason the football jock who's seen always wearing that really gay burger king crown?
What...
What incision must I make to get through to you...?
I do not know for I'm trying to remain true to myself
and I'm finding it hard when I'm somewhere forced to keep me on my guard.
Until I find a answer I shall put my heart on lockdown,
and split my heart into a thousand shards
I will scatter them across the planet
under every rock, in every tree, in every crevice
from new years to Christmas Eve
..until I understand you...
For I won't need it until then...
Nor will I use it...
No, not here, not in this imaginary prison.

Day one.

This is day one.

I've decided to take a break from Ashley and Dan; an idea that's been scouring my mind for a little bit of time now. If you don't know why, chances are I won't tell you. I think all I needed was two people to suggest I go through with the idea for me to actually do it and wouldn't you know it... it happened. I'm not sure as to how long I'll not talk to them; I'll just use whatever time it takes for me to really find myself, see what I want, and then see what they mean to me. I had a dream last night I spent 5 months away only to come back saving them from death only to die myself. I found it rather ironic lol. And sad.

I think summer is essentially a good time to do this; a good time for me to grow and figure things out. I think this gives whatever Ashley and Dan have going on to do what it does naturally too. I think when things...or rather people are left in a sort of vacuum, it lets what can happen naturally happy faster. Any interruption just tells me a natural reaction. I don't know. I haven't thought on this subject of "things happening naturally" for too long. Quite frankly, I haven't really thought well in a long time. Maybe this will get me back on that train. Along with a few other things...

I'm not quite sure if I'll say anything to either of them again. At the same time, it would be retarded if I didn't, right? -shrugs- Perhaps change is good for now. Maybe now I'll know if I can live without them in my life or not. Time will tell :) I'm hopeful though.

Hm. I should join a book club.

Something Agustin said

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:08 AM): serious betrayal lol

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:14 AM): its one thing to catch feelings for your friends girl

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:20 AM): but to act on them is so far beyond anything

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:21 AM): jsut

Heavenly Soulja (12:51:23 AM): head explosion


For some reason I can't stop thinking about how well worded that is. But at the same time...there's always a grey area huh? Blah

A step in the wrong direction

This is probably going to be hilarious considering my last post said that I was dating Ashley...but...not anymore. Lol 12 days, =/

At least it's 3x more than it was last year. Maybe next year it'll reach a month bwahaha.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this seeing as other things happened too, but I dunno. It just bothers me thinking back on it. How...poorly timed...how unchanging and unnatural it all is. Or rather was. Perhaps I fucked up a chance by asking her out this second time at a horrible time, but Idk. I was stupid for asking when I did...Damn my insecurity! Among other things. I don't actually want to write much on this so I'll just say that going back to the friend level will take mucho work and mucho time. Of course there's the debate as to whether or not it should "go" anywhere except a natural path leading to an unpredictable end. Many thoughts I have. Too pathetic to post here though lol. Yeah I'm being vague but I definately woudl rather haev no one understand me on this subject. :]

Idk what else to type. Lots of people have been busy including me trying to cram time with people I haven't met in months. Dan's been hanging out with Ashley so I'm not exactly sure as to when I'll hang out with the guy. Same goes for Ashley. I think. But then again I could use some time away from her lol. Kinda. Again with what goes naturally thing. I think too much. Wah. Hmm. Agustins been...actualy Idk what the heck he's been up to lol. Interesante.

I've decided to cast Derick away in a closet until he is needed one day once more! What occasion this will be I do not exactly know... ;P

Mmm. I need to work on school and penspinning...and fun in general. Effit. if Fun is my priority then Derick shall live! Lawl How horrid I am to be so back and fourth. xD Aiya.

Well Let'ssee where it takes me shall we?

Man do I need to log in here more...

So like, it's 11th of May! Man I totally need to get on here more. I dunno why. A lot of stuff has happened. =/

Hmm. Uhh, Ashley's my girlfriend for one thing. I asked her out on cinco de mayo! :D
lol how weird huh? My reasoning behind it was...idk weird. It was the 5th month of the year on the 5th day. Also, the 5th week in a row where I'd have seen her everyday. Plus it's cindo de mayo! YEAH!

lol So technically, this will be the third time I've dated her. The first time for four days, the second for four hours, and this...well I'm sure as of right now it's lasted longer than four minutes.

OH. How I asked her out...lol well you should ask me if you want to know. All I can say is, SHE RUINED IT :( Dang bag! BAH! lol, I knew I should've put it somewhere else Wah.

Mm. I have a need to train again! Work on the arms, maybe the chest, probably not so much the stomach just cuz I'm that lazy xD

I have work tomrorow :(
Waaaah.
I complain so much.
But I get paid a fair amoutn so I'm happpyyyy :]

I WANT TO TAKE SUMMER CLASSES. BUT WHAT?
GAH.
DECISIONS DECISIONS.

anyways, until next time.

CHAO

Hmm.

So according to my last post, I said I was over some girl. I'll tell you right now, I lied. lol turns out that the method of lying to people and to yourself isn't the best to get over someone. In any case, I hung out with Ashley (1) for like the last 10 days in a row. It's ridiculous. But in a good way! I think. :o Can't clarify. All I know is she confuses the crap outta me and I apparently do the same to her. Aaah. Lol what's more ridiculous is the number of people who say she and I sound like an old married bickering couple. Mmm, people keep pressuring me to ask her out. I don't think I will for a while though. There's something about being vulnerable to one person in a certain way that I'm extremely uncompfortable with. Especially since a person can be prone to bi-polarness. -sigh- but then again, she's one of the people in my life I'm extremely compfy around..:O
How confuzzling. And gay lol.

My birthday was on Friday! How gravy it was! I got cake haaa. And...I went to the mall lol. The night ended with...a very...*ahem* unexpected result. Involving a door. lol mmm. Apox on thee, fetishes! xD Can't clarify on this one either...

On saturday, my family and I went out to a viet erstaurant. Some fancy one that's pretty slow. BUT THEY HAD AWESOME FISSHH OMBBBB :]
Totally worth the one hour wait :]

Mmm. That's all for now. Later.

An Update!

Hmm. I must say, it took one long fucking amount of time, but I think now at 12:40 in the morning, I've just gotten over someone. I'm not sure if it was the small amount of time of not talking to them, or if it was just time, but either way...feels...funky. I would go more into detail but...there's not really any detail to go into. Watch this feeling now be like my body in shock. Tomorrow I'll wake up and freak out completely bwahha....I suppose if I had to use another word besides funky...I guess I'd go with FINALLY lol jkkkk, I dunno. Tired. Don't want to explain. OHMYBUDDHA, hopefully this isn't my mind tricking me...grr...if it is...I'm so kicking my brain's ass with knowledge...:P

Oh yeah, that veggie thing? Quit that on like, the 26th of Feb. Wahh I fail. Kinda hard. Especially when my dad cooks all the time -___-

Edit: Okay so from this I kinda wrote it out half assedly and really...tired...ly. Lol I guess, what I mean from this is that the feelings I had for someone just went to rest. It's not dead or gone forever, considering the person's probably the first person I've ever had any feeling of the [l-word] for or even remotely close, it won't die anytime soon, if ever. And yes, I refuse to spell it out! BWAHHAHA!

The Street Fighter 4 Tournament

So yesterday night, me and my brother decided to try out skill out at the Street Fighter 4 Tournament at Game Crazy in Oregon City, the only gamecrazy in Oregon to host it. The first place prize was 500 bucks at Game Crazy and second place was a fightstick. Basically that's arcade sticks for your console system.

We showed up and it appeared people pretty intimidated by us; probably because we were Asian and I had on a Super Mario hat and my bro had a meatwad aqua teen hunger force beanie (Not sure how you'd relate that to videogames but you never know). I've always wondered where people go the stereotype that Asians are great at videogames, well I see now from this tournament experience.

After we showed up and scanned around, two Asian guys showed up and all I can say was that I sensed their awesomeness the second they came in. Something about them was just extremely intimidating; perhaps it was that they too were scanning the matches and just scoping out the competition. Anyways, free pizza shows up and the matches were well on their way (it was one match at a time on a about 15 In. tv in a room of about 50-60 people). Not counting my brother and me, there were 3 notable Asians in the room. The first two who I just talked about (and learned later on were brothers), and then a third Asian guy. The two brothers were LEGENDARY with Guile and the third Asian guy was Zangief.

Now me and my bro got this game the day it came out and we were cramming as much time as we could into street fighter. We had never been extreme street fighter pros. Meaning, we never really got into the technical stuff of all the street fighter games until about Street Fighter 3: third strike. However we had only but a few days before the tournament (on the day of getting the game) to train.

I was the first to play and I played as M. Bison, and I'm okay with the guy. I just got down cancels and combos with him and I honestly didn't expect to get through round 1. It seems that there weren't as many pros in the place as I thought. I smashed through the first guy like a piece of cake. He played as Akuma who's philosophy in every game has basically been "I kill fast; I die fast" At first, I thought he was going to pwn me so I just did pulled off everything I knew on the guy. But like I said, piece of cake. My bro went up a few matches later and he played as Sagat, and he kicked but also. It appears that the most notable players here were either Guile, Zangief, Abel, Sagat, or Blanka. There was one other person who used M. Bison and I was sure he was better than me but he was probably around the same skill level as me.

Second round, my bro decided to be Dan, and if you don't know, Dan's basically a mock character. And you wouldn't be him unless you knew how to play as him. My bro played as him because he was in this tournament for the fun and he knew he'd get his butt whooped with dan, but hey, he did have fun. And yes, he did get whooped lol. I played a guy who was Blanka and tried some cheap tactics on me; he tried to get me in a corner and just shock me to death. But meh, I managed to get out of that and beat him. Anyways, to speed this whoel story up, I lost to Zangief, and I KNEW I SHOULDVE BEEN SAGAT. -___-

The first place winners ended up being one of the Asian brothers and a white guy who I may go to school with lol. It appears the top three winners were all friends, which made sense lol. It also made sense that they were so good; they looked like they were in their later 20s, which means they must've been playing forever now and could easily transfer the combos and cancels from previous games to this game.

But man, were they awesome. I should've asked them what other fighting games they played but my bro's probably right in saying "they'd probably reply with 'Everything'"

Aaah, I need to go back to playing games well and live up to the stereotype. That is my purpose!

Vegetarian.

So this week, my father decided to go on a vegetarian diet for his Buddhist thing. I TOO DECIDED to go on a no-meat diet for a month. It would be a promise to MYSELF! A SHOW OF WILL POWER!

I started...on Wednesday the 11th, and I actually failed this yesterday. I was with the Viet schools original founder and he called my dad out for dinner. My dad was picking me up from work at the time so I tagged along, and when I was there, MAN! I couldn't wait for awesome veggie food. One dish of awesome fried Tofu and some Lau(sp? lao? Seafood soup) came out. As i reached for the tofu the OF (original founder lawl; btw his name's Tuan) said to me "heeey leave the stuff for your dad! Have some of this soup with me" and I hesitated...

It had only been two days...and I had already broken my decision of no-meat for a month...I'VE FAILED MYSELF! But I've started over. No Meat. So now it's Saturday and I'm back to Day one. Wah. lol THERE ARE SO MANY AWESOME VEGGIE RECIPES! :)

Anyways, that's all for now. Peace.

Okay

So on a recent Sunday morning...I went to buy Plan B for a friend of a friend of mine. And let me tell you, I would've never imagined I would be buying conception pills with this friend. Thank goodness I wasn't a part of it but still! I'm out fourty dollars...but having a job helps hahaha.

aaah...I FELT SO BAD. I walked up to the guy to buy em. Also, since I'm 18, I don't need to do anything except show ID. But man, he gave me this look that said "Man...so young..." and I felt so sad...:(

OH AND TODAY, I took my Calc mid term. I need to study more! I'm sure I did alright, but...grr...still I'm anxious! And nervous! Aiya

ahaha that's all thuogh. I haven't blogged in a while. :)